


Prepared

by ViridianPanther



Series: Thirty Days [11]
Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Angst, Letters, M/M, Monologue, Soliloquy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-07-25
Updated: 2012-07-25
Packaged: 2017-11-10 16:26:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,024
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/468332
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ViridianPanther/pseuds/ViridianPanther
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Early in the morning, Shepard gets up, locks himself in a shuttle and records a message for Kaidan, only to be opened in the event of his death. Which is looking more and more likely by the day. Because he can't bear to die without having told Kaidan that he loves him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Prepared

By his own estimate, Shepard must have been holed up in the shuttle for at least an hour now. Coming up to six a.m. (although day/night cycles don't mean much on a starship) and he's left Kaidan asleep in his cabin.

_What time does Cortez usually start work? I might have to move to the engineering sub-deck._

He should really have written down a script for this, or at a list of things he wanted to say. He doesn't want to think about it too much, though: he doesn't have time to, because if he does he knows he'll never get it done and they'd all die heroically in the final push to Cerberus HQ without this being said.

Shepard sucks in a breath, and activates the recorder.

"Hey, Kaidan," he begins, trying to imagine Alenko's brown eyes equidistant aside the little glass lens of the omni-tool camera, "it's September twenty-ninth, and we're around three days from Horizon. I'm recording this now because it feels like the end run is getting closer, and I don't want to end this war without having done this."

He pauses for a moment and momentarily considers the circumstances that could lead up to Kaidan seeing this vid, before stopping, and finding his next words.

"There's no easy way to say this, so I'm just going to wing it. If you're watching this, then I'm dead, or about to die very soon and there's no chance at all that I'm going to survive."

If he ever sees this vid, it'll mean that Shepard will probably die alone: no last words, no Kaidan at his side, no dreams of a life that might have been. Shepard's already died alone once, and he's not in a hurry to do it again. But it's a possibility, and he can't help but feel like it's an inevitability.

"I'm recording this vid in case I don't get the chance to say goodbye. Because there's things I want—" he begins, and corrects himself when he remembers the vid's intended usage scenario, "things I _wanted_ to say when I won this war, but I never got the chance to."

He's keeping his face stoic, the one that made journalists assume he had a perpetual stick up his ass, just as he has. It's served him well, stopped him breaking down in front of others dozens of times over. He _wants_ to pour his heart out into this video, but he can't; it's not the impression he wants to give, anyway.

"For a start, I love you. I didn't have any idea you were interested in me until you invited me to Apollo's for that lunch, but I'm glad you did. Having you by my side has given me something worth fighting for, something worth living for."

He stops, again. _Not living any more._ "And I'm sorry I didn't manage to live a little bit longer for you, because you're probably the single most wonderful person I've ever known," he said, meaning every word of it. "You're my best friend, you're the apple of my eye, and you're a great soldier—and if the Reapers aren't already dead, I'm sure you'll smash them into a black hole yourself."

_I'm rambling. Stop it._

"I've updated my next of kin status—everything I own will pass to you. Do what you want with it."

He hears the whine of the elevator, and wonders if that's Cortez coming down, but Shepard doesn't hear the door open. He's reminded, briefly, of Steve's deceased husband, of the audio recording of their last conversation.

"I know you're not stupid, Kaidan, and you're the kind of person who'll get past this, but I don't want you to make me an anchor. Remember me, but don't kill yourself with it. I love you, and I want you to be happy. There'll be someone else out there, somewhere, someone who's better than I was. Someone who'll be there for you until the end," he says, feeling a lump in his throat but keeping his face as rigid as possible.

"I don't know if you believe in any kind of god, or afterlife… hell, I can't believe I've known you for four years and don't know that. I suppose I'm agnostic, myself… but if this isn't the end for me, then I'll be looking out for you… and waiting for you at the bar."

He wonders for a moment. Kaidan doesn't come across as the spiritual type: Shepard knows he's quarter-Japanese and probably has Buddhist or Shinto heritage, but if he believes in that stuff he certainly keeps it to himself. Shepard wonders why he's dwelling on it—maybe he _wants_ there to be something afterwards, something to look forward to, somewhere he can be guaranteed a happy ending.

He _wants,_ but he's not sure.

"No matter what happens, Kaidan," he says, feeling his voice cracking up and rolling his lips into the faintest of smiles, "have a good life. And remember that I love you, always."

He shuts off the recorder, and exhales deeply, squeezing the bridge of his nose to get rid of the watery sensation in his eyes. That's done. He just hopes Kaidan doesn't ever have to see it: hell, Shepard hopes that he doesn't have to see the counterpart that Kaidan has inevitably prepared for the event of his own death.

Shepard winds his omni-tool back onto his wrist, and asks EDI to locate Kaidan. _"Major Alenko is in the starboard observation deck."_

He marches to the elevator, and waves a "hello" to Adams as he passes him. Kaidan's sat in the recliner, idly paging through the news on his tablet and sipping coffee.

"Hey there."

"Hey, Kaidan," Shepard says, siding up beside him. "Just checking in."

"I'm glad," he says. "Say, you… left without waking me."

"Didn't have the heart," Shepard says, even though that's only half the truth.

"Well, thanks, but… next time, wake me."

Shepard leans in to kiss him on the cheek and whispers in his ear. "Yeah. I will."

_If there is a next time,_ he wants to add, but he knows he must not.


End file.
